The Expectations We Place on Our Parents—and How They Shape Us as Adults

When we were kids, we had unspoken expectations of our parents. We looked to them for guidance, safety, and reassurance that we were enough. We believed they were supposed protect us and love us in all the ways we needed. We assumed they had the answers, that they knew what they were doing, that they wouldn’t fail us.

But sometimes, they did.

Sometimes, they were emotionally unavailable. Sometimes, they didn’t listen, didn’t nurture, didn’t protect. Sometimes, they made choices that didn’t make sense to us—choices that shaped the way we saw love, safety, and even ourselves.

As we grow older, many of us carry that disappointment into adulthood. We look back and wish things had been different. We long for apologies, for understanding, for our parents to acknowledge where they went wrong. And when they don’t, it hurts even more.

The Illusion of Control

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that we cannot force our parents to be the parents we needed. We cannot make them see their mistakes the way we do. We cannot rewrite the past.

But our need for control often keeps us stuck in the pain of what wasn’t. It convinces us that if our parents just understood or if they just changed, we’d finally feel at peace. That if they acknowledged the hurt, it would validate our experience and make everything feel okay.

And while that longing is completely understandable, it also keeps us tied to resentment.

The truth is, our parents—no matter how much we wish otherwise—are humans having a human experience. They made mistakes. They may have been doing the best they could with what they knew, or they may not have been. They may never acknowledge their shortcomings. They may never offer the closure we crave.

And as painful as that is, it’s something we have to come to terms with.

Releasing the Expectation of Who They ‘Should’ Be

So what do we do with the anger? The disappointment? The grief?

We grieve what we didn’t receive. We acknowledge the pain without letting it consume us. We accept that our parents, flawed and imperfect as they are, cannot undo the past.

And most importantly—we focus on healing ourselves.

Healing isn’t about waiting for them to change. It’s about making peace with what is so we can move forward. It’s about learning to reparent ourselves in ways they couldn’t. It’s about breaking cycles, tending to the wounds they may have unknowingly caused, and choosing to build the life we deserve.

Because we don’t heal by changing them.

We heal by changing us.

A few questions we should ask ourselves as we reflect:

• What expectations have I placed on my parents that they never met?
• How has that shaped the way my view relationships, trust, or even yourself?
• What would it look like for me to release the expectation that they must change?
• How can I offer myself the love and support I once needed from my parents?

Healing isn’t about pretending the pain doesn’t exist—it’s about choosing to free ourselves from the weight of what we cannot change. And that? That’s where real peace begins.

Let go of who you wanted them to be.

And step into who you are becoming.